I still miss my dad, and there's something about the Christmas season that makes me think of him more than anything else, slowly going back over things he said or how he acted, and trying to bring that into my life, realizing he's the one that taught me about everything that's important in life, my subsequent sorrow at my mother still being just her, and struggling to find the comfort in the fact that some people will always remain the same, including my grandmother who only brings up my dad when she wants to guilt trip me -
There's some unwritten law about your 20s being that time of life that you struggle to find yourself and your place in the world, people fall away and people come back into your lives, flitting on and off this grand scale circle, and realizing things about yourself - I will never be miss popular, I won't fit in, and over time, I have lost my resentment, but now it seems that everyone who can associate one part of their life to mine wants to charge in and tell me how to change, and I need to grasp a hold of my own personal truth so that their cries can fall on deaf ears - I'm getting better about how I feel about myself and what I need to do, but I am still woefully subject to the voices of others, because a part of me still wants to hear all the bad things about myself rather than the good I know I'm capable of -
Such is life -
And then, the grand and petite stage of a personal life! How amazing that it can be so encompassing, but so very small in the grand scheme of things, people say that kids don't come with instruction manuals, but you know what, neither do relationships or anything else in life - I am terrified of the prospect of making a mistake, and that man, the one who lurks in my shadows, sometimes is my light, tells me that I can't progress until I learn to accept my mistakes gracefully, but my parents raised me to be infallible and my mother raised me to be in sole duty to her, so easier said than done, but he's right - I have to learn to pick myself up and realize that these things will happen, but now, I have the hardest time with thinking, "Could I have made a mistake with this person I love? Why am I still here?" It is the honey trap of a steady love, what most other people long for and have, but the trap for me is that it just isn't good enough - if we have the ability to add something great to the world, to aid the needs of the many rather than the few, that's how we should live life -
But what do I know?
I need to write more - I need to draw more, and the gods opened a gentle path to me, standing by with something like amusement in their eyes, Secret Santa indeed! My gift - two large drawing pads from a co-worker that was intrigued by my pen and crayon doodles while dealing with difficult customers, and a whole set of watercolors I bought over a year ago still untouched, I can't be the best, that's true, there are so many better than me, but somewhere along the line I let that knowledge stop me instead of just encourage me, because I get too caught up in anything that could be a competition, and have a serious issue with doing things that make me happy because it's usually called "selfish" by others, when I should just tell them to shut the hell up and pass me the yellow crayon.
This year, I will tell more people to be quiet so I can listen to my small still voice.